18 years late on growing up

well I have not really been updating too much on anything lately. maybe its because nothing interesting has been going on in my life. I just go my day by day life normally and do what I do. I can start hanging out with everyone again once I get a car. which I go to the DMV tomorrow. im going to get checked out and take the written exam then schedule another appointment to get my license ( = so that should be cool. Ive felt like a different person lately. Not in a bad or good way. Like i dont know, for instance. Im starting to get really burnt out on myspace. I used to just go on there to make friends and meet girls who might like me a little bit, but honestly i doubt ill find girls on there, or friends. Part 1 of this whole legal thing is slowly coming to an end. Pretty soon it will just be part 2, probation and community service. Which yeah will last a couple years but at least it will mean not going to court anymore. I swear i cant wait till this is all over. I started seeing a therapist again, maybe this one can help me. She asks me a lot about Kaitlin and well yeah i dont want to talk about what me and my therapist talk about but it kinda felt good to tell someone my story and how I feel deep down inside. I had to lie on my thing and say I never attempted suicide. My mom was looking right over my shoulder when i was filling stuff out. I was just thinking "fuck I cant put that with my mom right there." but yeah anyways, I think this whole thing is really really going to change me. Its helping me grow up a lot and see the real world that I thought i knew. I had seen some scary stuff in my past but you know you get a lot of time to think about your life and where you want to be when your sitting in a cell for 14 hours with nothing there but your thoughts. Ive never been in any real trouble before all this and now ive gotten a bitter taste of what happens when you are in trouble. Its scary, but thankfully its helped me grow up a lot. slowly but surely im starting to grow up finally. well anyways im done talking about all that legal stuff. When people try to bring it up I just act like it never happened or its already behind me because I just want it out of my life once and for all. Ive started playing guitar again and trying to write my own music. Im getting kind of sick of following everyone elses lead. I complain a lot about every band im in because im usually stuck playing open haha but I realized I can make the bands im in better by trying to come up with something on my own. Im really moving toward going on anti deppressants again. I dont know why I stopped taking them. i was so much happier on them. I think It will help me a lot. My social anxiety will go away. My stress will be less over my head. My confidence will drasticly go up. I think its time I go back on the medicine. I know some people wont approve but honestly. Its either I take medicine or i just give up and die. Im swimming in an ocean being weighed down, my heads above water but im about sink, if someone threw me a life preserver I could take my way back to shore with help. alright im getting to lion king poetic shit on you guys. anyways.. Love life is.. well it is what it is. No one is really down for me right now, so i guess I wait. thats the one thing I hate about tight pants. Girls start finding you less attractive haha. Your options get much slimmer lol anyways. ill write more tomorrow maybe ( =
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