18 years late on growing up

well I have not really been updating too much on anything lately. maybe its because nothing interesting has been going on in my life. I just go my day by day life normally and do what I do. I can start hanging out with everyone again once I get a car. which I go to the DMV tomorrow. im going to get checked out and take the written exam then schedule another appointment to get my license ( = so that should be cool. Ive felt like a different person lately. Not in a bad or good way. Like i dont know, for instance. Im starting to get really burnt out on myspace. I used to just go on there to make friends and meet girls who might like me a little bit, but honestly i doubt ill find girls on there, or friends. Part 1 of this whole legal thing is slowly coming to an end. Pretty soon it will just be part 2, probation and community service. Which yeah will last a couple years but at least it will mean not going to court anymore. I swear i cant wait till this is all over. I started seeing a therapist again, maybe this one can help me. She asks me a lot about Kaitlin and well yeah i dont want to talk about what me and my therapist talk about but it kinda felt good to tell someone my story and how I feel deep down inside. I had to lie on my thing and say I never attempted suicide. My mom was looking right over my shoulder when i was filling stuff out. I was just thinking "fuck I cant put that with my mom right there." but yeah anyways, I think this whole thing is really really going to change me. Its helping me grow up a lot and see the real world that I thought i knew. I had seen some scary stuff in my past but you know you get a lot of time to think about your life and where you want to be when your sitting in a cell for 14 hours with nothing there but your thoughts. Ive never been in any real trouble before all this and now ive gotten a bitter taste of what happens when you are in trouble. Its scary, but thankfully its helped me grow up a lot. slowly but surely im starting to grow up finally. well anyways im done talking about all that legal stuff. When people try to bring it up I just act like it never happened or its already behind me because I just want it out of my life once and for all. Ive started playing guitar again and trying to write my own music. Im getting kind of sick of following everyone elses lead. I complain a lot about every band im in because im usually stuck playing open haha but I realized I can make the bands im in better by trying to come up with something on my own. Im really moving toward going on anti deppressants again. I dont know why I stopped taking them. i was so much happier on them. I think It will help me a lot. My social anxiety will go away. My stress will be less over my head. My confidence will drasticly go up. I think its time I go back on the medicine. I know some people wont approve but honestly. Its either I take medicine or i just give up and die. Im swimming in an ocean being weighed down, my heads above water but im about sink, if someone threw me a life preserver I could take my way back to shore with help. alright im getting to lion king poetic shit on you guys. anyways.. Love life is.. well it is what it is. No one is really down for me right now, so i guess I wait. thats the one thing I hate about tight pants. Girls start finding you less attractive haha. Your options get much slimmer lol anyways. ill write more tomorrow maybe ( =
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The Darkness For Me Is Where I Shine

Im getting pretty damn sick of people playing with my state of mind. Your messing with a mind that was not built all that right in the first place. Anyways, today was okay I guess. I made friends. Like actual friends my own age, haha so thats pretty awesome for once. I have class with them. School is almost over thank god and im almost on my way to graduating. yay for ianturtle. I honestly dont want to walk though, Im down to just get my diploma and not have to deal with the ceremony. Its so stupid and I honestly dont care. There is no reward for this year, this year has just been shit for me and I want to get through it as fast as possible. All the seniors are like "yay grad night! yay senior day! Picnic and parties and hang out with your friends!" Well first off. I did not go to this school until january which really makes you not care about any awards or ceremonies, second I have no friends who are seniors, like okay i have people who are like "HI ian! [=" but they would never hang out with me. So its like oh yay i get to celebrate something I dont care about with people that dont care about me or know me. Everyone is like "you only graduate once just do it" but its like fuck man I have no motivation for this. Im always alone and no one ever notices me. I pretty much just blend in as my friends spill out there popularity to the school. My Friends are the best, I love them but sometimes its so depressing being around them because its like each one of them has a future and im not saying thats bad, im more then happy they have a future but its just I dont have one.. and everyday I am reminded that i dont have one. Then there is prom. ohhh boyy, this is stressful, I know its easy "just dont go" and yeah thats all fine I really dont care but see everyone is just soo bent on me going. I mean yeah itd be nice to go but I really dont care if I go or not. There are a few people i would not mind going with but if they dont ask me then it wont happened xD. Well speaking of not happening, my love life has gotten.. interesting? So im single and ive been forced to move on from my past love scene. So i started talking and well I actually am interested in a few people. One of them I barely know but she seems pretty chill, one of them will only date scene guys but yet she keeps giving me false hope then leaves then comes back, one of them it almost worked out a few months back but she found someone else and yeah but we are talking to each other again, then there is this other girl who ive only hung out with once but she is pretty awesome and knows how to make me smile :D. Its not like im in any spot to pick since none of them are interested but i guess its just something to give me to look forward to. Only one of those girls go to my school. the other ones go to different schools or graduated. BUT like I said, its not like any of them are interested so moving on.. did i Mention how excited I am to play a show this weekend? Stalk your shadow has just been shitting for like a month and not playing any shows or practicing at all. We have this weekends show, then the big show the next weekend with story of the year. So hopefully we get to practicing soon so we wont look like totall shit when we get up there ( =
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It Will Be Too Soon

So i dont know what to do anymore. Honestly im so lost in life right now. I feel like everyday im being punished for something I did not do. I feel like everyday is my day to pay when ive done nothing wrong. I hate these feelings. I want to be normal, Im sick of being like me. I know it sounds so lame wishing you were someone else but i wish I was someone else. Someone who never had to walk into a court room for there whole life, someone who had confidence and knew how to be happy. Im always doing something wrong, every single day. Im always limiting myself because of my confidence. Honestly, I hate who I am. I hate being me. It sounds depressing but its not even a matter of depression its just purely that I got stuck with a body and personality that I did not want. When they were handing out lives I was last in line. Im so sick of being that person who will never amount to anything. Never find his place. Never fall in love and be loved back. Never be happy with himself. Im trying to stay positive but its not working. Everyone around me is doing something with there life or is good at something that no one else is good at. Me? im the extra. Im the one who is best at being absolutely nothing. I cant help but feel this weird heavy feeling in my chest right by my heart. It feels like im being weighed down and its making me move slower and lay around more. god dammit I want a vacation from life, I want to be away from everything and not feel stressed out anymore. I want to be normal. Where the fuck was I when they were handing out "im a normal kid who gets decent grades and lives in a nice house life" This is not fair. This is not right. Everyone says everything happens for a reason. What reason do I honestly have? What porpous is mine? I want this feeling in my chest to go away. Maybe I can go to the doctor or something. I need help. I need someone.

I Died Once

so this weekend was pretty cool. It was laid back as always but im starting to get used to it (but dont get me wrong, as soon as i can, im going to hang out all the time anywhere) I got to see my friends again ( = and we went to the movies. well wait let me start with friday, umm i went out to eat and played wii at daniels house (you see that sounds boring but i like it :D) then saturday we pretty much did the same thing EXCEPT i saw my friends. Danny,Chris,Greg, and Dylan. Us 6 including Daniel went to the movies to go see Crank 2 haha oh my god, it was soo awesome. You have to be in the mood for no sense what so ever haha. and pretty much thats it. Now here is the part of the blog I write about insights that I have. I had a couple this weekend. Im really sticking to the whole thing of me not thinking about my life being ruined and what not. and its going to sound crazy but for a couple hours I almost forgot about all the things that have happened. I need to not dwell on things too much and ill get over them ive realize. Well somethings are too hard not to dwell on but i know im capable of getting over them fast. My love life is just bleh a complete and utter mess. I like this girl but she is not down for me at all, she pretty much rejected me in the most non obvious way possible. So i think thats done. Idk im really confused on girls right now, Finding the right one is just too hard to do. I think im not going to find anyone anytime soon, I think im going to need to graduate high school for that one. So that i can know for sure they are over 18 and mature enough for me to talk to. but anyways, I wrote a really catchy song ( = I wrote a couple catchy songs while I was at school. I cant wait to use them. Ill write more tomorrow if i have something good to say :D

PS Lakers took game 1! <333 ( =

So much bigger then you

Today was good. I went to school and was sitting in first period when suddenly I was like "hmm i need to listen to some up lifting songs that make me want to be cute with a girl" then it hit me. ANBERLIN. I started listening to them and i was like daaamn I remember how much i LOVE this band, but even better as I was sitting there I realize. "im so much bigger and better then everyone trying to bring me down. This thing im going through.. its gonna pass. Im going to live and go on. I have so many fucking plans I want to achieve and im not going to let her family try and rip that away from me. according to me her brothers, mom and dad just dont exist to me and im moving on. im better then all of this and im going to keep living my life and let this all be in the past and achieve the goals I wanted to before all this happened" I dont know WHY I never though of it like that. Im not scared of them, im not there friend or enemy. they are just strangers and I have moved on from it. Im so thankful for living through this. but yeah it took just a few minutes of a song and sitting and spacing out during first period to realize all this. So from now on i wont be talking about how mad or sad I am about all this. Its in the past and im going to walk every inch to push it out of the way and so far behind me. but anyways enough with all that inspirational talk, everything went fine today. I went to my singing lessons. My teacher was not there today ) = i was soo bummed. i miss our talks and stupid jokes and talking about our week. but my substitute was my first teacher I had before her. which was fun because he was like "wow I am impressed. you have improved a lot since the months before". That was pretty awesome. AND randomly after i got out of singing lessons my mom went into the store and I waited in the car and some girl was like "omg you look like the all time low guy!" i just started laughing and she took a picture with me haha. well anyways thats about it. Im sleepy, need a shower, and to play Dead space. or Resident evil 5. byeee :D

Bring Me back to when girls did not matter

Well i guess its time to update once again, went to court today and guess it was not the best of news. I was a little disappointed by the results but hey better then regestering or going to jail right? I have to do 180 days of community service (so about 6 months or so?) and im going to be on probation as of may 5th (maybe) thats when I go back to court. I talked with the probation officer and she seemed to give me tough love and I think she knew this was not my fault and it was unfair. everyone is saying "take her whole family down with you" and i wont lie. It really makes me sad to see them trying to destroy my life when i did nothing but be something there daughter needed. a shoulder and someone to actually listen to her. I feel so bad for her and everything she also has to go through. I mean okay yeah im in a lot deeper water then she is but try and imagine what it would be like. I know its gotta be hard for her and if i could talk to her id say that im really sorry all of this happened and I hope someday her family gives her the love she deserves and that this will all pass. but anyways onto other topics. I saw my friends today :D I hung out with Lori, bestie, danny, tommy, greg, jessica, Oyst, and Vivienne. Although I did not see vivienne or tommy much, they just kinda disappeared D: but I still got to see everyone which was awesome. It was good to get away from court room stress for awhile. but then the minute I left I for some reason just felt so unwanted and useless. I was deff having a pity party but not flaunting it. I just wanted to be alone. i started thinking of "this thing ruined my life. Why of all things this happened to me? im never going to find a girl who would be with me. Im never going to get a job. Im stupid and ugly and pointless to this world" you know the usual Ian feelings I get. They sorta went away and now im just kinda blah. But anyways thats about it. Ill keep you guys updated on everything and post something hopefully that is good news<3

RIP spring break

Cant tell if im happy or sad that spring break is over. It has its pro's and cons. Pro, I get to see friends again. Con, its school, its charter oak, a horrible place and all I will hear about is how much of an amazing time I missed. Well like I said either way its good and bad. Not much high lights to go over, played a lot of video games. Watched a lot of tv. I guess disneyland would be the highlight of my break. I did pretty much nothing for easter today. Then again I rarely do anything for easter ever. On thursday I went to my singing lesson. Which is always the high light of my week, my teacher is so nice to me and i can talk to her about normal things not just singing. I told her about how I have trouble fitting in and meeting friends. She always tries to help. I wish we both could be friends and hang out but I guess thatd be awkward for her. She is like 24 and im 18, and she goes to college for recording and all that shit so she is pretty busy. but i can tell we enjoy each others company. Im like the only customer at that place who has even hit puberty so she usually tells me about her students she does not like or the people there she does not like haha. Sorry im kinda talking more about someone elses life then my own. Anyways.. I do a lot of day dreaming, I put me and people i know in crazy situations. Its kinda hard to explain. i think of a plot to a movie or game or story or whatever and I place me and someone else in it, for some odd reason I do that SOO much. I have to sound crazy right now, which I am crazy. We all are. I just might be a little bit more then others. I guess its about time I wrap this thing up seeing as how I have nothing interesting to talk about.. well yeah, ill update this thing again when I have something good to talk about <3 ( =

A sigh of peace

Im glad I got that last post off my chest, I needed to just yell at something, anyways, the last couple of weeks have been very dull. Me and Daniel dont get to do much anymore since this whole mess happened. He can still go places I cant but usually he gets stuck with me not doing anything, which I feel bad because I want him to go out and have fun. Like the last time he went out I told him I could not hang out (I could have) because I wanted him to go out and have fun with his friends. and he had a great time and so did everyone else which made me happy. Everyone is just raving about DF09. All the stories I heard from it just sound epic and amazing, im really glad everyone had fun. Meanwhile ive just been sorta on block arrest. Ive been confined to my house or daniels house which dont get me wrong, its not the WORST thing in the world but it does get a tad bit boring. I went to Disneyland with daniel and his parents yesterday. It was pretty fun. We saw some pretty cute girls there but none of them came to us lol so we gave up. All day we kept saying we cant do this or that without women cuz we will look totally gay. haha and its funny because we ended up doing all the things we said we wouldnt xD but it was a lot of fun even though none of us met up with anybody. I wish everyday could just be fun. Im pretty tired of not having a life. Well high school is almost over and so is this whole court thing. I hope to GOD next week is the very last time I have to go to court. Im so sick of all this, I want it to end already. ugh I want this to all be over and put it behind me and just move on with life. Get my shit together. Grow up. hang out with my friends. Get on the road and sing and play my heart out<3

Fake Pity Is the worst

You know what I cant fucking STAND? When girls give you fake pity. No not pity like they legitametly feel bad for you, i mean FAKE pity, where they are happy and you are not so they have to fake it so you will be happy with them. I dont know I cant explain it but I seriously hate it so much. Its like im single, im not getting anywhere, no one wants me, I cant be with girls younger then me (I laugh in anyones fucking face who says age does not matter, try sitting in jail saying age should not matter cuz Ive done it) NO girls older then me want me, I dont care what anyone says. Love is just this thing some people will never understand or get. Unless of course you are a bad person. Bad people always will win. Nothing bad ever happens to bad people. Its good people who get lied to, or who are nice to others or treat everyone better then they treat themselves who get fucked over. A drug addict will live a happier life then a man who donates to charity. A man who constantly cheats, lies, plays, takes advantage of, will always get the girl no matter what. Love is one sided and nobody wins in it, unless you are an asshole of course. Then you win every fucking minute of your life. I give up trying for anyone, its stupid pointless and will never work out. Ive pretty much given up on ever considering the fact I just might be the center of someones attention. Maybe I should start acting like the other half of the world so I can win for a change. This has been the worst year of my life and it only gets worse and worse. Turning 18 has ruined my life, I hate it. I knew it would. Everyone says "oh its going to be so great" no. fuck you. It was the worst mistake I ever made, living to be 18. I cant wait to get the fuck off this world. Take me anywhere but here.

The options just keep getting slimmer

So I think this is it, the end of the road for my youth. Im so full of questions and concerns its unbelievable. I have to choose between my youth and turning into an adult. This whole situation has fucked up everything every which way, I have to lose all my friends, I have to put my entire life on hold (maybe even end it). Ive lose almost everything from this and I knew my friends would be the next to go. I love them to death and it sucks having to let them go. Lately I have been secluded to living in front of a television. Ive given up all hope in living a normal life again, I have given up all hope in ever trying to make things right with anyone. I never intended for this to ever get this way, Im now faced down two paths, one path leads me to my friends that ive known forever and grown to love as if they are my own family that path however also sets me into more trouble then im already in. The other path is a lonely path that leads me to a job, school, growing up and being alone but staying out of trouble and living a normal life. Ive never had a normal life and its not fair. Ever since I was a kid I just wanted to live normal, be a normal kid with normal kid problems. No kid should have to go through what I have had to go through. No one should have to go to jail for no reason. No one should have to wake up everyday and ask themselves if they want to live. Ive contemplated suicide almost every morning I wake up, or every time im in the shower, or every time I just step foot on the school grounds. Im worried about my health and Im worried about my life. I want to ask for help but I know there is no one listening to me. I guess its too much to ask to be heard but hey sometimes it helps. It broke my heart finding out I need to find friends my own age. My heart literally snapped in two. I dont want to find friends my own age. I want my friends, They are all i have. No one else likes me and no one else ever will. Who else can accept someone with so many fucking problems as me? This is why i cant get a girl friend. Too many god damn problems with my self, I cant make myself or anyone else happy. and you know what else is really bothering me? I dont think she gets that there is a restraining order against me. I cant talk to her at all and she just has a hard time understanding it. I dont hate her at all but a restraining order states I am not to contact her or go near her in any way what so ever. Her brother also apparently "threatened" me. yeah he is the least of my worries. I dont give a shit, he is only doing me a favor if he were to kill me. Plus I know if he ever laid a hand on me he would pay, karma is a bitch. Say what you want but im not scared of him. Ive walked down scarier halls, I know what scary is and im not scared. He can have his beef but I want none of it, nor do I need it. anyways, I dont know what to do anymore. Ive ran out of help and ive lost everything, why? Im not sure why it happened to me either.

Im back on my medicine.

all alone again and its getting darker

every day I wake up in a darker place. Everyday someone new is finding a new way to disappoint me or let me down. This whole situation with all my legal trouble just really sucks. Im being isloated from everyone. I made a new friend or so I thought I did but she is just like the other fakes. Lately I have not done much, went to court. That went well. Hopefully all that can be done with. Ive done a lot of nothing lately, go to school and see my friends is always good but its the days when I know they are going to be together after school and I cant go that really suck the most. Im starting to realize there is less and less hope of me staying alive.
I hate this.